“Heather was born in the 80’s with a full set of teeth.  Not the rare, neonatal variety or deciduous (baby teeth) but a full-blown set of adult human teeth.  Scared and concerned, her parents [FIGURE No. 1] immediately locked her in the basement.  Like Sloth from the Goonies®.  She was raised on a steady diet of silverfish, rodents and condensation from the water pipes.  When she was old enough to speak, never having heard true speech, she would howl.  Twenty hours a day of howling and screeching and clawing at the cinderblock and metal door.  Eventually, she was given a 12” broken black-and-white television that was stuck on the local PBS affiliate.

FIGURE No. 1 Dad.

The discovery of Bob Ross changed her life.  She was soon making her own paints from blood, crushed insects, and brushes from her hair.  Painting happy little trees and pleasant little rocks helped the young Heather piece together a bit of sanity as watching Mr. Ross helped with the screeching (well, the night-time screeching may never pass). 

The leftover bones and a scraps of paper that she found were fashioned into her first three dimensional friends.  With the help of Red and the supportive words whispered by an ethereal Mr. Ross, Heather was able to escape the hell in her basement dungeon but soon found herself in another form of hell; high school.  It was then that she discovered computers.  It wasn’t long before the funding that Al Gore helped secure for research lead way to the large-scale commercialization and household acceptance and embrace of the Internet.   Heather started combining the two, and was soon creating websites for wineries and energy companies and probably some porn studios.  These helped pass the time until graduation and her first real taste of freedom.

FIGURE No. 2 Academia.

While attending the Rhode Island School of Design (RISD) FIGURE No. 2, not only did the budding artist discover a talent for 3D modeling and love of stop motion animation, she was also able to overcome her agoraphobia (a holdover from her years of underground captivity). She also developed a new passion: the sea.  During school breaks, vacations, and while her classmates were attending Nads games, Heather would toil away in the garage on her new secret obsession: Serenity.

Due to a miscalculation of the width of the door, the launch of Serenity was delayed for some time.  When engineers finally removed it from its cramped berth, Heather was once again in class and was unable to captain the maiden voyage.  This turned out to be quite fortuitous as Serenity was sunk off the coast of Connecticut in the only document case of a Somali pirate attack in the Western Hemisphere.    All hands were lost. 

Unlike recent attack on merchant vessels, this was an act of revenge for a perceived act of dishonor Heather allegedly perpetrated while on vacation in St. Barths. Local custom insists that losers of rum drinking contests must be punished.   The pirate captain she bested insists the bounty is sill available though subsequent attempts to capture/dispose of Alphito (Heather) have been met with brutal retribution by her pet cloned velociraptors “Righteous Indignation” and “Great Vengeance”.  The animals were rumored to have been destroyed after Heather received her BFA in Illustration, though since they were a gift from His Royal <<<<<REDACTED>>>>>, this is most likely false.

Due to an unforeseen reaction to sun exposure, Heather was forced to spend time after college in isolation.  Not only was she able to return her skin back to its natural shade of pale but she was also able to teach Azeroth how a formerly confined, infinitely talented, internationally hunted artist puts down the scourge of the Horde.   After winning a series of duels escalating duels that downed three servers and eventually spilled over into real life, razing nearly 25% of Topeka, Kansas, her representative secured her an apartment in Brooklyn, New York as part of a peace treaty.  The signing of the treaty and her relocation took place in 2008. To avoid publicity, it is rumored that she bought black-rimmed glasses and has currently integrated herself as a Designer within the international publishing company "Random House" in Manhattan.”

Praise for Heather:

“Heather is the filet mignon of her industry.” —Roger Alan, Bluesoft Music

“That designer can design designs for designers, which says a lot about her design.” —Jerry Lowland, Hi-Fire Design

“Wish I found her sooner.” —Terry Mari, Yap Press

“Heather was an adequate second child. I liked that she didn't cry that much. Oh and she did take care of that silverfish problem in the basement. That was horrid.” —Darlene Cristofaro, Mother

“Who? I don't know who you are talking about. I just came in here to buy a cup of coffee. Honestly I really don't have a clue why you are asking me these questions. You want me to say what? Sure... she's fantastic. Wait where are your pants?! Please leave me alone.”
—[Client name withheld for privacy]